why...

I suppose this is the most private blog I have, so...........

I am trying to practice the way of the samurai. To not let my emotions be known and to act with dignity and grace. It is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted. All of my being is screaming to be heard. I suppose he will learn, but I doubt it.

About 30 minutes ago, my co-worker and I were having an exchange about his best friend's girlfriend. He can't stand her. The truth of the matter, I will probably never know, but it doesn't matter to me anyway. I will never meet this girl. Even if I do it will be in passing. I don't know. It's hard to listen to him bitch about her, for I know that at one point in time, others have spoken the same harsh words about me. I suppose what he said isn't what bothers me, it's the fact that his way is this; "I can say whatever I want about you, and you have no right to be upset, but if you say anything I disagree with, I will essentially curse you to hell." And that he did. In his own words, he said that " Well, she can go see ICP with you and you can burn together-- are your feet warm?"

Who the fuck is he to pass judgement on me? The one who drinks and offends, and can hurt to the very core of people in one sentence. I do not love this man, but I would never in my life say something hurtful to him, with the intent of pain. I try with all that I am not to intentionally hurt anyone, and I have NEVER looked straight into someone's eyes and said they were going to hell, even if I believe in hell or not. He does. And that is what hurt. I wish I could just turn my emotions off. I wish that no one could ever hurt me and that I could keep that power to myself. But it seems that the second i do that, I can't feel anything for anyone. It seems to be extremes for me.

Fuck him. I'll know from now on. I realize how it is, and if he hurts me again, it will be my own fault.

You pathetic girl.
Wise up.
Be strong.
He's just intimidated by your strength and force.
Wake up, damn it.
No one else thinks like you. Accept it and move on.

frustration

I have hit a few snags with my latest project. I feel very scatterbrained, and unable to focus. What should be a fun, easy project has been unraveled twice now. I digress....

It's also been crazy with work. I have posted resumes all over and have heard nothing. My resume is one gigantic step down. I have to find a happy medium job between what I am doing now and what I really want to do.

I have been feeling very down for no apparent reason.... again. I suppose they call that depression. I feel bad for Mike because he wants to make me happy. I WANT to be happy, ugh. I SHOULD be happy. Rah.
**Bright side**

Mike's company has a resource for counseling. They direct you to someone who can help in the health insurance network. Score.

**Brighter side**

Knitting with Erin tonight, and girls' night is Friday!!

Knitting for Zen

My sister has a blog by that title.

It makes a lot of sense.

This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I find escape in my knitting. I feel as if I am entranced, and all worries fade away.

Knitting is my anti-drug.

Some people might reach for the whiskey, bong, or pill bottle. I, my friends reach for my circular needles and a skein of alpaca.

That is all.

hooray

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Originally uploaded by goddessknitz

I love natalidee.com

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

My first BLOG!

I set up this blog to more thoroughly integrate myself into the world of RAVELRY! Plus, MySpace is lame.

I'm not sure if anyone other than my fabulous sister will read this anytime soon, but what the hell, right?

I'm very happily married to an amazing man. --honest. I never thought I'd be married at 23, but I'm stoked that I am.

I have a six year old step-daughter and I think I'm ready for a baby of my own soon. We'll see how that goes.

I work at The UPS Store. Kind of thankless, but it suits my needs for now.

More later....