why...

I suppose this is the most private blog I have, so...........

I am trying to practice the way of the samurai. To not let my emotions be known and to act with dignity and grace. It is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted. All of my being is screaming to be heard. I suppose he will learn, but I doubt it.

About 30 minutes ago, my co-worker and I were having an exchange about his best friend's girlfriend. He can't stand her. The truth of the matter, I will probably never know, but it doesn't matter to me anyway. I will never meet this girl. Even if I do it will be in passing. I don't know. It's hard to listen to him bitch about her, for I know that at one point in time, others have spoken the same harsh words about me. I suppose what he said isn't what bothers me, it's the fact that his way is this; "I can say whatever I want about you, and you have no right to be upset, but if you say anything I disagree with, I will essentially curse you to hell." And that he did. In his own words, he said that " Well, she can go see ICP with you and you can burn together-- are your feet warm?"

Who the fuck is he to pass judgement on me? The one who drinks and offends, and can hurt to the very core of people in one sentence. I do not love this man, but I would never in my life say something hurtful to him, with the intent of pain. I try with all that I am not to intentionally hurt anyone, and I have NEVER looked straight into someone's eyes and said they were going to hell, even if I believe in hell or not. He does. And that is what hurt. I wish I could just turn my emotions off. I wish that no one could ever hurt me and that I could keep that power to myself. But it seems that the second i do that, I can't feel anything for anyone. It seems to be extremes for me.

Fuck him. I'll know from now on. I realize how it is, and if he hurts me again, it will be my own fault.

You pathetic girl.
Wise up.
Be strong.
He's just intimidated by your strength and force.
Wake up, damn it.
No one else thinks like you. Accept it and move on.